Common Issues Couples Fight Over Series: Part 6
Lust & Pornography
Disclaimer: I just want to acknowledge that this is a VERY touchy subject and by far one of the most common sources of stress and arguments for many couples. There is no one-size-fits-all solution in relation to true pornography addiction, infidelity or the way that you and your spouse handle these conversations. However, there are a few common hang-ups, often in relation to trust and insecurity.
In order to get both sides of the conversation, this is a special joint post with contributions from myself (Dave) as well as my wife, Rosslyn.
MEN:
(Written by Dave Kemerer)
Our society has been crafted around sexuality and pleasure. It’s nearly impossible to not be bombarded with overly-sexualized images, especially geared toward men. Looking for it or not, ads, pop-ups, even billboards all take advantage of the adage that ‘sex sells.’ Whether you are aware of it or not, there is a war being waged over your mind and your attention every single day. And without significant care and intention, it will be a losing battle.
“64% of young people, ages 13-24, actively seek out pornography once a week, sometimes more. Porn websites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter COMBINED!”
Do you remember your first experience with lust or exposure to pornography? For men AND women, pornographic images and videos have an addictive quality and a way of burning themselves into our brains. The porn industry feeds on boredom, curiosity, mindlessness and stress. Every time we view porn, we distance ourselves from God and our spouse and warp our sexual expectations.
Lust can be a bit trickier to define and tends to be misunderstood by both men and women. Seeing or acknowledging an attractive person is not lust. Our culture has over-sexualized beauty, but God is the one who designed beauty and beauty is not evil.
Appreciating beauty is not lust.
How heartbreaking that men are so often made to feel dirty or sinful for simply noticing beauty in a woman. God designed women to be beautiful, so why have we ascribed so much shame around that? If men are mindful and aware of our thoughts, seeing a beautiful woman can be appreciated in the same way as seeing a beautiful sunset.
2 Corinthians 10:5 says that we are to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
This podcast from Wild at Heart is an incredibly helpful place to start or deepen the conversation. If you’ve been struggling with issues around lust and pornography, or just communicating about sexuality with your spouse or partner, this podcast may cast some light and understanding on the situation.
Actual lust is just as damaging as pornography or infidelity.
Navigating any addiction alongside your spouse is a roller coaster of emotions. It requires SO much support, fortitude, honesty and love from each of you.
Let’s hear some perspective from my wife…
WOMEN:
(Written by Rosslyn Kemerer)
Feelings about pornography.
For most women whose partner participates in lust or pornography use, there will usually be feelings of disgust, anger and betrayal. In turn, this has a naturally negative effect on the sexual intimacy within the relationship. If your trust has been violated or you believe your man is looking at other women, then there’s no desire to connect. No intimacy together creates even more sexual temptation. You can see how this creates a viscous cycle.
Don’t get me wrong. Ladies: you absolutely have every right to feel hurt by lust and porn. I am not suggesting that it is your fault. However, women absolutely need to take responsibility for chronic insecurity, suspicion or unforgiveness, especially throughout the healing process. These feelings may be valid in the beginning stages, but longterm are not constructive and only add fuel to the fire.
Useful support groups offer more than venting.
Too often, I see women running to other women under the guise of ‘support,’ but what they’re really seeking is more justification in their unforgiveness. There are all sorts of forums, online groups and in person ‘support’ groups that can truly hinder the healing process by constantly telling you what you want to hear.
“Men are pigs!”
“You have EVERY right to [fill in the blank.]”
“I cannot believe my husband [fill in the blank.]”
Many of these groups revolve around the concept that ‘misery loves company,’ and you can see the fruit of it. Useful support groups offer more than venting. Vent to your therapist or one close friend on occasion, but otherwise, there is no appropriate time or place to complain about your spouse.
Facts about sexuality.
Men are visually stimulated in a way that women aren’t and may forever struggle to understand. But remember: that visual drive is what caused him to have an interest in YOU!
That’s not a pass for men to ogle other women, but as we’ve covered, it also is not a pass for man-hating remarks and constant demeaning. God designed us (men and women both) in His image and we should be celebrating our differing desires and roles.
We as women need to work to feel secure enough in our own bodies and our relationship that we are not constantly triggered by other women’s sexuality.
Sexuality is not evil. If you feel like challenging that statement, ask yourself the following questions first:
What are your gut-feelings and thoughts when you think about other women?
How do you feel about femininity?
How did you perceive your mother or other female influences growing up?
What do YOU feel when you see a women that you perceive as beautiful or sexy?
Do you ever criticize other women for their appearance?
Do you ever feel sexy? If not, why?
Just like most men have some sort of issues around masculinity, most women have major hang-ups around femininity. Yes, porn and lust are both bad and contribute to these issues, but we need to stop demonizing beauty.
I appreciate how complex it is to heal body image issues and challenges surrounding femininity and sexuality. It’s not an easy journey and it requires a lot of bravery and a solid relational foundation to achieve. But assuming that trust, fidelity and accountability are present, it is incredibly unfair to project our insecurities on to our husbands through constant hyper-vigilance.
If you are finding that you feel triggered or accusatory every time you see a beautiful woman or an image that you would consider sexy, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to investigate your own sexuality further.
Does that thought terrify you? Does it seem secondary or unnecessary? I assure you, it’s not. Sex really is the barometer for any healthy marriage and if you can’t confront your OWN sexuality, then it’s highly unlikely that you’re enjoying it with your spouse. You both deserve to trust one another and be vulnerable. Consistently obsessing over a man’s motives will bring even more attention to the idea of lust, causing deep feelings of shame and shutting down regardless of your actual intentions. Just like if a woman’s appearance were constantly criticized, a man is essentially stripped of his masculinity when the existence of his sexuality is constantly questioned.
Sexuality is an especially tender area in any marriage. It really was beautifully and perfectly designed to be enjoyed within the confines of a healthy marriage. When we have experienced our husbands seeking fulfillment outside of marriage, the wound runs deep. But if we stay stuck in a victim mindset, we will forever be condemning the men in our lives. And grace is far more powerful than condemnation.
When it comes down to it, there is no exact formula or one-size-fits-all solution for every couple. But if you’re tired of not feeling interested in your partner or no longer feeling as if you have anything in common, there are many options to rekindle a sense of intimacy. The only real key is that you’re both willing and interested in cultivating that connection.
If you would like a little support, reach out about Couples Therapy today.
